Thursday, February 02, 2006

A Life of Crime

Burglar solved math problems - Aftenposten.no

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"A highly unusual break-in at a grammar school in Klæbu resulted in a bit of mental exercise. The burglar(s) did not appear to be out after material gain. Instead of stealing, the intruder(s) sat down and began to solve the math problems intended for third grade students, newspaper Adresseavisen reports. According to local law enforcement officials a good job was done and all of the problems were solved correctly. There has been nothing reported missing or stolen from the school building and it remains a mystery how the intruder or intruders gained access to the school."

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I swear, if I was gonna turn to a life of crime that's what I would do. I'd break into schools and solve math problems on chalkboards. I'd dub myself the "Chalkboard Bandit" and leave a calling card on the teacher's desk. I'd take nothing. When I eventually got caught I'd call it performance art and say it was a commentary on the poor school systems in this country. I'd probably get community service or a very light sentence. Once the court proceedings were behind me I'd parlay my certain fame into talk show appearances and a book deal (I'd call my autobiography "Addition By Subtraction: My Life as the Chalkboard Bandit"). I might even go on a speaking tour where the subject would be "Revamping the Education System In America". I'd probably get civic awards for my tireless efforts and at some point wind up serving in the U.S. Department of Education in some important position. Later, I'd be hired as a consultant for a major university and retire after amassing a nice fortune. On my deathbed I'd admit that the only reason I broke into schools and solved math problems in the first place was to teach kids the following lesson - crime does pay and when it does, you better be able to add up all the dollars you're raking in! That would be a life well lived.

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