And a Monkey Shall Lead Them

Interspecies Telepathic Communication As a zookeeper, I was very excited about the possibility of being able to communicate telepathically with the animals. I figured this would make my job a lot easier since they could just tell me directly when they needed something. If an animal was sick, I would know it. If they didn't like their living quarters, I could adjust them to their liking. I really thought this would be great - but I couldn't have been more wrong. I put hours into learning the necessary techniques of Interspecies Communication and now I'm sorry I did. First of all, the squeaky noises that dolphins always make? That's basically how they sound telepathically too and it gives me a major headache. And they're such whiny creatures! The monkeys are even worse. They curse like sailors and I have no idea where they even picked that up. It's never "Please bring me a banana". It's always "Get me a (bleeping) banana!". They're very rude and have taken to cursing me loudly telepathically during the night just so I can't get a decent nights sleep. Not to mention that the Zebras are such prima donnas. They're extremely demanding and they treat me like a servant. Still, they give me evenings off, so I can't complain too much. Don't get me wrong though, there are some positives to all this. The penguins are as nice as they are cute. Real friendly creatures that don't ask for too much. The camels are a lot of fun to hang out with too, but their knock knock jokes get old fast. For some reason I have yet to figure out, the lions all speak with English accents. They're a lot friendlier than they look, but trust me, you don't ever want to refer to football as soccer. It's the one thing that will set them off. I've tried actually de-programming my mind so I don't pick up the signals being sent by these animals, but so far I've found no technique that really works. I definitely don't recommend Interspecies Communication, but the website is interesting and worth a look. UPDATE: Well, I snapped and threw a banana at a belligerent monkey. Some of the zoo visitors saw it and, long story short, I'm currently looking for work. I think it's for the best anyway. I've talked to a horse at a petting zoo who thinks he can get me in there. Wish me luck!