My New Cell Phone Plan

How many years has it been talked about and they still can't decide if cell phones cause cancer or not? I saw a recent report about it on the news and as usual one study found that they do and another found that they don't. So which is it? We may never know, but I have an idea that should at least double the time it takes to get cancer from a cell phone. I'm gonna start alternating the ear I hold the phone to - right, left, right left. Most people use the same ear predominantly so this way the gamma rays or whatever is in a phone (admittedly, I'm no scientist) are hitting each side less frequently, thus at the very least I'd be slowing down the cancerization. I figure switching ears once per sentence should about do it. I understand that cell phones also cause car accidents so I'm gonna apply the same theory to that by alternating my driving on the right and left sides of the road every couple of minutes. I hope it works!

Soft Drinks For Everyone!

Artificial Sweetener Cleared of Cancer Link

A huge federal study in people — not rats — takes the fizz out of arguments that the diet soda sweetener aspartame might raise the risk of cancer.

No increased risk was seen even among people who gulped down many artificially sweetened drinks a day, said researchers who studied the diets of more than half a million older Americans.

I knew they were innocent all along! I can just see the headlines in tomorrow's newspapers: "Diet Coke acquitted, Pepsi Free!".

This of course puts the kibosh on my plans to get rich selling "Free Coke" t-shirts, but at least justice was served.