Happy New Year!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Why do they still make watch pockets on jeans? It was a great idea back in the 30's and 40's when guys were actually walking around with pocket watches, but I haven't seen someone use that little right front pocket as a watch pocket in a really long time. In fact, I've never seen it used this way. But you know what? That's my goal for 2006. I wanna bring the pocket watch/watch pocket back. I already have quite a few pairs of jeans so I'm halfway there (I buy my pants one pant at a time by the way, at a deep discount). I don't even know if pocket watches are still readily available in the major department stores, but I'm sure I can order one online at the very least. My theory is that people were happier and friendlier in the days of pocket watches. I really think the pocket watch can bring back some of the civility that's missing from mankind these days. If I accomplish my goal and the pocket watch really catches on this year as a viable timepiece, then I feel like I will have done my little part in making the world a better place for all. Happy New Year everyone, especially in Thailand (my wife's homeland) where it's already 2006!

I Wonder Why

Isn't it funny that people cough in their sleep, but don't really sneeze in their sleep?

Thrown a Curve

ESPN.com - MLB - Ex-pitcher Reardon charged with armed robbery

"Former major league pitcher Jeff Reardon was arrested Monday on charges he robbed a jewelry store."

If this doesn't prove that baseball players are underpaid, I don't know what does.

Well, They're Sure Not Gonna Believe It Now

news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051222/ap_on_hi_te/high_tech_santa

"Santa Claus is going high-tech as more children and parents are able to reach the jolly old elf online.
"We can use this technology to our advantage and provide a much more believable experience for our kids," said Anne Gaskell, co-owner of SantaSpeaking.com."

Ixnay on the elievablebay! Geez! Ummmmm....hellooooo....kids are online too....you just blew it for them. Why don't you go kick a puppy while you're at it!

Not So Smart Afterall

gizmag Article: Accentures intelligent mirror

"February 14, 2005 Accenture Laboritories is working on an intelligent mirror that analyses your behavioural patterns and can show you what you'll look like in five years time. The mirror is designed as a health-aid to assist people in visualising the long term outcomes of their behaviour and modify their behaviour accordingly."

Accenture calls this the "Intelligent Mirror", but if this mirror was so smart it wouldn't show women what they'll look like in five years, it would show them what they looked like five years prior otherwise this mirror is probably getting broken. Check out the picture though. What kind of hard lifestyle is this woman living that she's gonna go from the young, healthy, vibrant look on the left to the old, gray, witch look on the right in a mere five years?!? They really need to step up the technology because the "behavioral image" example shown here looks about as realistic as the makeup in the Gilligan's Island "Jack and the Beanstalk" episode where they tried to make Ginger look old and decrepit.

The Mysteries of the Universe Still In Question

Studies question Mars water assumptions - Space.com - MSNBC.com

"The apparent discovery of ancient salty bodies of water on Mars by NASA's Opportunity rover last year is viewed as one of the most significant developments in planetary science.

But two new studies take a different view of the data.

Rather than abundant surface water over significant stretches of planet's history, as has been widely reported, Opportunity's observations might represent the results of a meteor impact or volcanic activity on an otherwise very dry world."

This is why science is such a waste of time and money. I'm speaking of all areas of science, by the way. It never seems to fail that after every "study" where some incredible results are announced by a research team, those results are then completely contradicted by another team researching the same thing. I think when a new study is started there must always be two groups assigned to it: the "Point" team and the "Counterpoint" team. It makes you wonder why we're even bothering at all. I propose that we end all scientific research immediately. Let's just take all that money we're wasting and feed the hungry or something. Then again, there would probably just be some group to come along with a theory as to why the starving don't really need food and we'd be back at square one.

Special Delivery

EBay cancels plans to auction pets - Other Pet News - MSNBC.com

"Internet auctioneer eBay Inc. canceled plans to allow pets to be sold on its Web site after receiving thousands of angry letters."

I really don't see what the big deal is. Packaged properly an animal would do just fine through the mail. You'd probably wanna write fragile on the box and go with overnight delivery, but I really think they'd get there okay.

Just Hanging Around

When humans and chimps split - LiveScience - MSNBC.com

"A new study of genes in humans and chimpanzees pins down with greater accuracy when the two species split from one.

The evolutionary divergence occurred between 5 million and 7 million years ago, an estimate that improves on the previous range of 3 million to 13 million years in the past."

Between 5 and 7 million years?? Yeah, that about nails it down give or take a million years. Geez, I can do that good! In fact, I'm gonna go on record as saying humans and chimps split from one exactly 6,521,768 years ago. I challenge someone to prove me wrong.

On a sidenote, this monkey looks like Luke Skywalker in "The Empire Strikes Back" hanging on at Cloud City after fighting with Darth Vader...right down to the missing hand.

Another thought...this monkey is reprising the Gene Kelly role in a new production of the musical "Singin' in the Rainforest".

They Are Among Us

I can't say how I acquired this photo, as it is I'm taking a huge risk posting it, but I'm blowing the lid off once and for all on one of the U.S. government's top secret programs. Let me assure you that this photo has not been doctored in any way. Clearly the most compelling evidence yet that the Snow People are indeed among us!

Gotcha!

It must stink to be an ant and not be able to read on these traps the words "Kills Ants".

Santa and Me!

Santa and me!

"A celebration of those magical, misty days of childhood, when all was right with the world and a visit to see Santa was the highlight of a young kid's year! For most children, a trip to meet Santa Claus at the local department store or shopping mall, was/is both exciting and maybe even a little bit (or lot) scary, too. I'll chronicle it all here; the joy and awe, as well as the pure, unabashed terror!"

Great blog devoted to vintage Santa pictures! Very cool! If you don't go to this site, then you hate Santa. You don't hate Santa, do you???

A Bouncing Baby Boy Perhaps?

Skydiver survives plunge, learns she's pregnant - U.S. Life - MSNBC.com

"Shayna Richardson was making her first solo skydiving jump when she had trouble with her parachutes and, while falling at about 50 mph, hit face first in a parking lot.

Although badly hurt, she survived -- and doctors treating her injuries discovered she was pregnant. Four surgeries and two months later, Richardson said she and the fetus are doing fine."

I may be a little naive about the ways of the world but I would have put slamming face first into asphalt at 50 mph far down on the list of ways a woman can get pregnant. Just goes to show you that even the best protection (in this case, a parachute) can fail from time to time.

The Free Delwin Fund

The Daily Princetonian - Students raise funds for roommate sued by RIAA "Delwin Olivan '08 might be luckier than the other 23 University students charged with music piracy by the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) last spring -- his friends created a website and t-shirt line to defray the cost of his settlement. Olivan stands accused of distributing songs via the file-sharing network i2hub, which closed in November following a cease and desist letter from the RIAA. "These guys want $5,000 from him, and I get choked up thinking about it," roommate Sean Gleason '08 said. "His bank account doesn't have $5,000. He's not an old money Princeton student who gets a $5,000 monthly allowance." Olivan and Gleason devised a novel way to lessen the financial burden on Olivan's mother -- the Free Delwin Fund." It's quite fortunate that I stumbled upon this story because I really wanted to help the less fortunate this Christmas. I had been considering donating money to a homeless shelter or orphanage, but when I read this story my heart just broke for this kid. He's just a poor ivy leaguer trying to make his way through college and now he has this ridiculous bill to pay for illegally downloading music. Is he to be expected to tap into his trust fund to pay this?!? Merry Christmas Delwin Olivan. Who do I make the check out to?

Nanoparticles and You

More research urged on nanoparticle risk - Science - MSNBC.com

"Scientists manipulating matter at the molecular level have improved on hundreds of everyday products in recent years and are promising dramatic breakthroughs in medicine and other industries as billions of dollars a year are pumped into the nascent sector.

But relatively little is known about the potential health and environmental effects of the tiny particles -- just atoms wide and small enough to easily penetrate cells in lungs, brains and other organs."

For the record, I was warning of the risk of nanoparticles years ago. I don't wanna say I told you so, but...

James Joyce's Dirty Little Secrets

James Joyce dirty letters

"1909. James Joyce lives in Trieste (Italy) with his family. End of October, he leaves alone for Dublin on a business trip, and stays there until the end of December. He makes a pact with his wife to write to each other erotic letters. The letters of his wife disappeared, but the ones he wrote were published in 1975, the "dirty" letters of Joyce to her wife."

Probably the most grammatically correct dirty letters you'll ever read. Infinitely more interesting than the much overrated "Ulysses". The most shocking thing in these letters? The fact that the word "frigging" even existed back in 1909 (Joyce refers to his wife at one point as, "my little frigging mistress!"). Who friggin' knew?

Hard News

thatvideosite.com :: Local news reporter gets tasered

Tasers or stun guns as a news subject ceased to be interesting about two years ago. We all know by now what they are and what they do. This fact still doesn't deter local news stations from beating a dead horse and coming at us with a seemingly endless amount of stories about how Tasers work. It's like explaining what the internet is. We get it already! Don't get me wrong though, I'm not complaining because as tired and stale as the subject matter is, it continues to produce comedic gold because the local reporter always wants to demonstrate how dedicated they are to "getting to the heart of the story" by getting tasered themselves. And nobody ever knows how to react to getting tasered. I present this video as exhibit A.

"Ahhhh!!!!!"

"Whoa! Hahaha....Wow....hahaha."

First Chair Kazoo Player

Science & Technology at Scientific American.com: Secrets of the Stradivarius "Joseph Nagyvary set the world of violinmaking afire in 1977 with his research into the legendary Stradivarius violins. The instruments made by Antonio Stradivari in the 17th and 18th century, along with other instruments made in the northern Italian city of Cremona, are widely recognized by violinists as superior to any made since. Controversially, Nagyvary suggested that the chemistry of the instruments is as--or more--important than their craftsmanship." This reminds me of the work I did in 1989 in the field of Kazoos. People called me crazy when I stated that the material used to construct a Kazoo was as -or more- important than the talent of the person playing the instrument. Needless to say this declaration set the world of Kazoo making afire and directly led to the great Kazoo boon of the 1990's (admit it, you were playing one too). I'm pretty proud of this and you can be sure that I make mention of it at every job interview I go to. Can you believe the manager at McDonalds actually had the nerve to call it "irrelevant"?!?

They're Stealing All My Good Ideas!

NASA seeks help from private rocketeers - The New Space Race - MSNBC.com

"With the space shuttles due to retire, NASA is looking for private companies interested in taking over the potentially lucrative business of flying cargo and crew to the international space station."

I'm really beginning to wonder now if someone from NASA isn't reading my blog because first I suggested that they cut foam out from the shuttle's construction and then they announced they were doing just that. Then I posed the possibility that maybe NASA didn't have enough rocket scientists (or dummies - see my Dec. 3rd review) and now they announce that they're looking for help from private rocketeering companies (thus, they need more rocket scientists). This is all working out so well that my next suggestion is going to be that they send me $25,000,000. I'm just gonna sit back and see if that happens. I'll keep you all posted.

All the Wrong Moves

Arkansas man scales White House fence - U.S. Security - MSNBC.com

"A man from Arkansas scaled the fence surrounding the White House Sunday while President Bush was inside and was immediately captured by Secret Service officers."

It's so sad. Over five years later and Clinton still can't let it go. He's like the star high school athlete who misses his glory days so much that he keeps showing up at all the games years after he graduated and should have moved on.

Rocket Science

Shuttle likely to fly without worrisome ramp - Space.com - MSNBC.com

"NASA is leaning toward flying its next space shuttle mission without the protective foam ramp that broke away from Discovery's external tank during its July return to flight, according to a spokesman for the U.S. space agency."

They're finally wising up. Maybe someone at NASA read my review from November 24th in which I recommended that they cut out foam altogether...but probably not. It doesn't take a genius to realize that a ramp made out of foam might not be the best idea. Maybe the problem with NASA is too many rocket scientists and not enough dummies...or vice versa.

Java Logs Save the Planet

Product | Robustion Products Inc.

In this high-tech age, if you're still taking in your coffee the old-fashioned way (orally), you're so far behind the times that it's not even funny. It's all "Java Logs" now. They're logs for your fireplace made out of spent coffee grounds! I threw out my coffee maker long ago and had a fireplace put into my kitchen. In the morning I simply light up a log, take a couple of deep breaths and I'm wide awake and ready to face the day. Besides the great aroma, Java Logs are also cleaner burning than regular firewood. I was actually reluctant to get a fireplace for many years because anytime I considered it, the big question in my mind was, "What about all the creosote and particulate matter?". Until now I never had a satisfying solution that allayed my fears about the impact of fire (which is a relatively new invention) on our environment. Java Products Corporation has it all figured out. Check out these statistics on their logs:

* 96% less residue after combustion
* 85% less carbon monoxide
* 86% less creosote deposits
* 31% less particulate matter

Another benefit that I'm not even sure Java Products Corporation had anticipated with this amazing invention is that when you burn Java Logs, a warmth is emitted which is quite comfortable when you're really cold. My only complaint is that they don't offer decaf logs and as a result I'm hopped up on fire all day and find it really hard to calm down at the end of the night. Once they expand their product line I'm sure they'll address that niche in the marketplace and then I'll be in Java heaven. Thank you Java Products Corporation!

Smarter Than The Average Monkey

timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,11069-1899977,00.html

"Two former caretakers who refused to bare their breasts to a 300lb (136kg) sign language-speaking gorilla named Koko have settled a lawsuit against the Gorilla Foundation. Nancy Alperin and Kendra Keller said that they were dismissed after they refused to expose their bosoms and reported sanitary problems at Koko's home in Woodside, south of San Francisco. They were told that if they "did not indulge Koko's nipple fetish, their employment with the Gorilla Foundation would suffer", their claim alleged."

When you see "Koko" (an obvious imposter), the real motive behind this supposed "nipple fetish" becomes all too clear. (To be honest, I'm just jealous that this guy had more follow-through than I did to try a stunt like this.)