Got Water?

Mayor Nabbed in Sex-For-Water Scam

The 72-year-old mayor was arrested this week on charges he sought sex from two women in exchange for preventing their water from being turned off.

What I really like about this story is the fact that at the end of it the AP had to throw in the line 'Waldron is 100 miles west of Little Rock' just to let you know that, yes, Bill Clinton was probably involved in this too. Sure, they didn't come right out and say it but we get the picture.

Missed It By That Much

Rounding error means Gatlin only tied 100m record

Justin Gatlin equaled but did not break the 100-meter world record at the Qatar Grand Prix last week, the sport's governing body said Wednesday.

The International Association of Athletics Federations said a timing error in Doha gave Gatlin a time of 9.76 seconds, which was one-hundredth of a second below Asafa Powell's world mark of 9.77.

It's still impressive, but the title "co-fastest person alive" just doesn't have the same ring to it, does it?

My New Cell Phone Plan

How many years has it been talked about and they still can't decide if cell phones cause cancer or not? I saw a recent report about it on the news and as usual one study found that they do and another found that they don't. So which is it? We may never know, but I have an idea that should at least double the time it takes to get cancer from a cell phone. I'm gonna start alternating the ear I hold the phone to - right, left, right left. Most people use the same ear predominantly so this way the gamma rays or whatever is in a phone (admittedly, I'm no scientist) are hitting each side less frequently, thus at the very least I'd be slowing down the cancerization. I figure switching ears once per sentence should about do it. I understand that cell phones also cause car accidents so I'm gonna apply the same theory to that by alternating my driving on the right and left sides of the road every couple of minutes. I hope it works!

Soft Drinks For Everyone!

Artificial Sweetener Cleared of Cancer Link

A huge federal study in people — not rats — takes the fizz out of arguments that the diet soda sweetener aspartame might raise the risk of cancer.

No increased risk was seen even among people who gulped down many artificially sweetened drinks a day, said researchers who studied the diets of more than half a million older Americans.

I knew they were innocent all along! I can just see the headlines in tomorrow's newspapers: "Diet Coke acquitted, Pepsi Free!".

This of course puts the kibosh on my plans to get rich selling "Free Coke" t-shirts, but at least justice was served.

Always In the Dark

Total Solar Eclipse Streaks Across Earth

Schoolchildren shouted and even scientists shed a tear as the moon's dark shadow sped across Earth's surface from Brazil to Mongolia on Wednesday, marking the first total solar eclipse in more than two years.

Two years? Wow, has it been that long?!? Somehow I managed to miss this but I'm guessing if I had remembered to check it out, it might have looked something like this:

Spectacular!

Dude Looks Like a Lady (and Vice Versa)

Woman Allegedly Took Kids, Husband's Identity (Children Believed She Was Their Daddy, Marshals Service Says)

A woman accused of abducting her two young children from their father, then radically changing her appearance and assuming his identity, was in custody on suspicion of kidnapping, authorities said.

She may have fooled her own kids, but no adult in the world would ever believe that this is a man, you know, because of the lipstick and all.

(I'm sure gettin' a lot of mileage out of this picture, huh?)

Lunar Loonies

U.S. Plans Moon Base On Path To Mars

For the first time since 1972, the United States is planning to fly to the moon, but instead of a quick, Apollo-like visit, astronauts intend to build a permanent base and live there while they prepare what may be the most ambitious undertaking in history — putting human beings on Mars.

I don't see how in the world this is gonna work. You gotta figure building this base is gonna take forever since they have to swing those hammers in zero gravity. Not to mention all the time spent chasing tools if they happen to drop any (would you still call it dropped?). Have you noticed also that the more problems the space program seems to have, the bigger the projects and goals are that get announced? At the rate we're going can a plan to colonize Pluto be far off?